It's been a hellish few days.  I think I'm actually beginning to get my sanity back.  At least I slept well last night as opposed to the two nights before.

It is amazing how life changes every day and we don't even realize it until it smacks us in the face.  Other people go through changes and we don't even take a second look unless they're directly related to us in some way.

I have this theory.  It's my Chaos theory.  It goes something like this...

Let's say you're driving down the road and you notice you Check Engine light has just come on.  You see the light.  You know what it means, but your car seems to be running perfectly.  You blow it off as nothing and go on about your business.

Then, a couple days later, you notice your car is making this really funny sound and again, you see the Check Engine light is on.  You are more aware now because your car is acting strange.  You know you don't have the money to take it to the shop until you get paid next week.  You slowly let out a deep breath and cross your fingers that it will be ok until then.  Of course, in the back of your mind, you don't think anything's really wrong with your car and you aren't even really concerned about getting it to the garage.

It's Friday morning, rush hour traffic.  You have a huge meeting today at work with your boss and other important officials at your company.  You've spent time making sure you look your best.  You don't have a worry in the world.  But wait!  Your car starts to sputter...then it shuts off.  Your heart begins to beat faster as you try to restart your car.  Nothing happens.  Traffic has finally started moving and now everyone is beeping at you because you're blocking traffic.  You close your eyes, cross your fingers and try to crank your car one more time.  Again, nothing.  The Check Engine light stares back at you as if to say, "told ya so".

Now you're screwed!  You're late for work.  Your boss is pissed off because YOU have the only copy of important materials needed for the meeting.  You can't find a wrecker service who can get to your car for an hour. 

Moral of the story?

When the Universe gives you subtle hints, pay attention!!  If not, Chaos will take over and then you will have no other choice but to pay attention.  Change is inevitable.  It is up to you to decide whether you control it or whether Chaos controls it.

So, let's just say that Chaos slapped me in the face.  I am paying attention now!

It's got to get better than this!

Ok...maybe I'm already addicted to LJ.  I'm not admitting to anything, BUT, I am writing, AND, I did actually upload a couple of pics, SO, that must mean even more, right??  Eh??  Yes, I've lost my mind! 

To pack or not to pack...to bind or not to bind...those are NOT the questions.  The questions are how to pack and bind comfortably?  And considering the very few resources I have in my city, where, pray tell, is the best online resource to purchase appropriate "gear" for the XXX sized boy??

I have done some online research, but nothing really makes sense...yet anyway.  I have realized that it's not easy to find resources for large boys.  Must be the same problem large women have!  Maybe I should create a site dedicated to large boys....hmmm...just a thought!

So many things to consider...

Luc

I made it back, so that must mean something, right??

I have lived the majority of my life walking around trying to figure out who I am.  I believe a lot of this comes from my being a male in a female body.  I have always mentally considered myself male.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that something had gone terribly wrong.  Transgender issues weren't even heard of at that point.  Not that it didn't exist, but somehow I knew that if word got out in my small, backwards, Southern town that a boy was trapped in my body that people would suggest I be sent to a mental institution.  The scary thing is that I am very serious!

It has only been recently, after so much new media coverage of FTM issues that I began to understand who I was.  And now, very quietly, with my closest friends, I have started my transitional journal.  I began with what I felt were subtle changes.  I cut my hair.  A little here, a little there and now it's very boyish.  I was already dressing like a boy, so that didn't change.  I did switch from underwire bras to sports bras...big difference!  Whether anyone else is paying attention or not, I am growing more comfortable every day. 

I've joined a lot of FTM communities in the hopes of meeting others who are at the beginning stages of their transformations.  I have my fingers crossed.

In other ME news, I have taken a break from so many activities lately.  I've need this time to reflect, rest and get my bearings straight.  Although I feel a bit overwhelmed and tired at the moment, I believe everything will be fine.

I imagine that as I continue writing in this journal bits and pieces of me will surface that I may not even know about.  When I sat down to write today I had no idea what to write about.  I just started typing and the words flowed across the page.  Lucky day!

I cannot recall the number of journals I've started and then grown bored with.  Every now and again I will run across one of my old, forgotten blogs and try to recapture some memory as to why I began the journal in the first place as well as why I abandoned it.  The answer is usually, "Who knows?"

There is nothing special about this journal that may make me want to continue to post here.  It came down to me growing bored with other journal sites and then moving back to this one.  We shall see!

My current mood is creative.  I wanted to create a brand new, fresh blog in which to express myself in.  I want to somehow understand myself better while reading back over these words tomorrow.  It is my constant search for Self.  I am beginning to think this will be a lifetime pattern.

That being said, I have now completed the daunting task of writing my first journal entry.  I would like to be able to assure you that tomorrow I will find myself here again, typing away about something, but I never make promises I cannot keep!

Until then...
+Lucien+